Mortal (Mormon) Man

Navigating Same Gender Attraction

The Claw

Before you read further you have to watch this clip:

Isn’t it odd the way our brains work?  I have a photographic memory that stores data in filing cabinets created by my brain.  Every situation, every memory, every image has a place within the filing cabinet.  When needed, I can easily withdraw a folder and recall emotions, feelings, experiences and details as if they were stored by hashtag or subject or relevancy.  I’ve developed systematic ways to use these folders to solve problems and use hypothetical scenarios to work through difficult decisions.

Life, marriage, church and my personal progress has been really difficult to manage for the last few months.  Truthfully, it’s been incredibly difficult…at times even impossible.  There is a lot going on–all at once…and everything in life is screaming for attention.  Lately, its left foot in front of the right, right in front of left and repeat.

Last night, while my brain was filing the memories from day,  I had a dream about the Toy Story clip referenced above.  I woke up this morning with the thoughts of this message playing over and over in my mind.  Why this clip?  What does it have to do with me?  What, if anything, does it have to do with us as people who experience same-sex attraction?   As I contemplated the issues in my life and recalling the issues each of us have…it started to make some sense to me.   I started to make sense of some of the puzzle.

Here we are, a bunch of same-sex attracted guys (and gals) in a box (owners of some form of SSA).  Some of us are convinced that the claw (sometimes thought of as God) chooses everything…the claw chooses who will stay single, who gets married, who will find level ground with their SSA, who will fight against it…some of us even believe that maybe we have been intentionally forgotten by the claw. I suppose the key for me is realizing that the claw doesn’t choose anything.  The claw has no control…it is just a claw.  I would even go farther to suspect that the kid controlling the claw (Sid) isn’t even the person in control.  The person in control is the person who chooses to stay inside the box.  If there is a doorway out of the box, why not take it? Isn’t that the purpose of agency? Why not decide to step outside of the box to heal, to see brighter horizons and to experience the ebbs and flows of our response to agency?  I suppose my point is far simpler than over-analyzing a clip from Toy Story.

My point:  I have to quit relying on forces outside of my control to determine my destiny.  Determine your destiny yourself.

Like the brother of Jared, Abraham, Joseph and a myriad of others, it isn’t God’s responsibility to solve all of your problems.  He often waits for us to solve them for ourselves.  It’s time to leave the box.


  1. Yasss!

    This needs to be read by all the guys on Northstar! lol I can’t get over so many of them that think that God is just planning on running their whole lives. I understand the importance of faith and putting your trust in God, but how does that line up with your own personal agency? God isn’t going to tell you how to live your life. I guess he sets out commandments and you figure out how to live comfortably within them. This movie clip was a good analogy and it makes we want to see if Toy Story is on Netflix. haha.

  2. Ben, sadly Netflix doesn’t have Toy Story. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news!

    Cheers my friend

  3. Hello, my name is Chen, I visit your blog from China. I have find myself in the same position sometimes. it is not favorable to be gay in my culture. Especially gay and a Christian. I am not a LDS but I like that there are other Christians that can support me and offer me advice and strength. I believe we are responsible for my own destiny and that God doens’t “control” our lives. He loves me and wants me to be good. Thank you for writing this it helps me to feel like I need to be in gooder control of my actions.

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