I began this blog to emotionally process my struggle with same sex attraction. There was a time in my life that I hated (for every reason imaginable) the attraction. Like a smudge on freshly cleaned windows, my SSA never allowed me to see clearly – an imperfection is always visible on clear glass. What I’ve learned about SSA and Mormonism is that most of us have common threads. Your story is most likely my story. For me, that is a source of strength. I hated that I was created this way. I hated that I couldn’t be normal. I hated the idea that a loving Heavenly Father would feel justified in treating me this way. I hated that I couldn’t have what I so desperately desired.
Ironically, I am not a person who hates.
I’ve always believed hate was a strong word. I don’t recall ever hating any person in my life. Am I really capable of hating something–hating this? Did I really hate my same sex attraction and my destiny? Probably not. So I have replaced the word ‘hate’ with an idea of not understanding. I do not understand why I was created this way. I do not understand why I can’t be normal. I do not understand why a loving Heavenly Father would feel justified in treating me this way. I do not understand why I can’t have what I desire. What a difference this perspective has made in my life. Instead of feeling like a victim, I can earnestly seek to understand the will of God. Therein lies safety and peace.
I am a person who doesn’t understand all things.
So why can’t a Mormon with same sex attraction act sexually upon his attraction? Well, there are many answers that are right. Some answers are better than others. The bottom line for me: exaltation. Sex, outside of marriage, regardless of your orientation is contrary to the commandments. And so, the journey of acceptance and understanding of my same sex attraction continues. I accept the fact I was created this way. Yes, it is a struggle to focus on exaltation. I am married to a woman I cherish as my eternal companion, friend and mother to our children. I have found harmony in the gospel and my same sex attraction. It is possible for you. As each of us draws closer to understanding the pure love of Christ, we will begin to see how to lift every son and daughter of God.
Someone told me there is a smudge on my window, but I hardly notice it these days.